I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
