ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i think i scared a bird with my dick
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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