every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
It's blow job season.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
