I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
