Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
