Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
