My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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