I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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