Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
