There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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