shes about as inviting as chlamydia
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
