I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
