...so i touched it.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
