Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
