no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
