the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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