so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize