Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
