ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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