Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
