so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize