I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
