im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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