People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
