I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
