Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
