70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
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