remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
