I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize