Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
