I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize