woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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