Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
