So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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