no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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