So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
