His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
