someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
