I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Randomize
