Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
The uberlube is also flammable
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
