Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
