i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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