im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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