Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize