idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
