Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
