The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
did i walk over a car last night?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize