i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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