You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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