Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
