She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
