He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
