You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You dont lie about slip and slides
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
