i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
