I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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