You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
