I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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