I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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