I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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