Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
