That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
