Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
