____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well I just put wine in my tea
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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