he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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