My balls are so social today.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
