"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
