Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
