Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
