I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
